i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
