It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
