can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
