i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
