Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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