this boner is exhausting
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
