Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
