Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
