Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
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being pregnant is like rehab
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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