I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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