I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
That accounts for only three of the penises
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
