I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I didn't notice because vodka
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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