Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
