I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
