Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
True strength comes from lack of pants
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
