someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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