Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
