my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
