Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
