i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
