My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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