how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
