Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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