upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
