just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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