Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
