Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
