Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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