My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
