I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
