Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
