i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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