just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
