I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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