My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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