Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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