He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
