I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
