I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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