Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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