Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm bleeding and have questions
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
