Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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