The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
