So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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