No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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