my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
