Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
