Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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