Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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