I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
