Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
