just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
