just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
