Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Ambien. No doubt about it.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
